Cold
by evilbunnygirl93
Summary: I could never make him happy. Not like Aoi could. Warnings: None. Bands: The Gazette. Pairings: ReitaxRuki (onesided), AoixRuki


I'm so cold. Freezing to the bone, my teeth chatter, and body shivers. These are common reactions to the cold, especially at night, especially at night when it's snowing. But my heart is cold. It feels as if it has turned to ice and started cracking. It hurts, but it hurt long before winter came. Seeing with you him crushed me, it shattered my heart, it made me…cry. I wanted to be with you for so long. I wanted to be the one that made you smile, laugh, and enjoy life. Three months ago I was so nervous, I was going to confess to you. I had puked twice before that evening because I was so nervous, so scared. Before I had pulled you away, I noticed that you had been smiling a lot that day, I didn't really think about it. I just thought you were having a good day. When we got to the bar, I couldn't wait any longer, or I would have chickened out. I pulled you to the side so it was just the two of us. I fiddled with my fingers and stumbled with my words. I knew my entire face was red, I bet whole body was at that point. I finally said those three words and asked for you to go out with me. When I looked up into your eyes, I knew I made a grave mistake. You looked so shocked and, well, sad. You looked away biting your lower lip before you gave me a nervous smile. I could never forget those words.

"_I'm sorry, Reita. I can't. I don't…like you that. I…I'm sorry, but…"That's when Aoi walked up and hugged him from behind._

"_Did you tell him yet, Ru?"_

_The brunette looked up with a sad smiled. "Aoi and I are dating."_

I felt my world shatter. I couldn't look at you, nor Aoi, or anybody else for that matter. I just shook my head and apologized before I walked away. It was so hard the days after that. Since everybody knew, you two showed your affection more openly. I would see you holding hands, whispering to each other, hugging, and laughing. It wasn't until a month later did I realize that I would never have you. It was the day I caught you two having sex in the studio. You two were surprised, nobody else was supposed to show up that day, but I had to pick up my bass. I just looked away and apologized before I ran away. It hurt more. Actually, everything hurt. The day I confessed to you, was the last day we hung out by ourselves together. I guess I made you uncomfortable. You stopped looking at me the day after I caught you two. I never understood that, but it made me regret everything. I started hating myself for my stupidity, but then when I saw you two together, smiling, I tell myself, 'it was never meant to be'.

I stood by, watching you two. The room seemed to have gotten brighter whenever you stood together. That light never hit me. I stood in the shadow, with my broken smile trying to hide the pain that was still there. Really, it was hard. Loving someone for years, only for them to love someone else. I had to stop going with group outings, especially to bars. I had gotten drunk, too drunk and kissed you. Luckily, Aoi was in the bathroom and Kai had pulled me off. He took me home before Aoi returned, he told me the next day what happened. I was scared, no, I was terrified. I didn't want to lose our already broken friendship. Kai convinced me to go to practice the next day. I found out that only us three knew about it, but still, I knew Ruki would never trust me again. I had to force myself to stay away from him. I didn't want to hurt him more. Soon, I stopped talking to everyone all together, but it was hard to do it in the first place. The fear of talking about my mistake, about the lovely couple, or just Ruki in general made me back away from my friends. Even Uruha. He started pestering me more, trying to get to go out, or at least play video games with him. I remember him telling me I was being selfish, that I was hurting everyone by doing this. They were all worried about my health, mentally and physically. Ruki came over too. He begged me to talk to them, to stop avoiding them. It hurt. Not that he was talking to me, not that the fear of him lying, or the paranoia that nobody cared about me. What hurt was that sad face he was making. That sadness that I caused him. That's when it hit me. I could never make him happy, not like Aoi could.

Everyone felt relieved when I slowly started coming back and talking to them. Nobody asked me about it, which I was thankful for, but deep down, I knew, they knew about how I felt. After a while, I started going out with them again, but I avoided drinking alcohol, I avoided dancing, I just sat there like a lump on the chair. I couldn't risk making contact with him, I didn't want to lose control again. I was able to do that every time we were near each other, that is, until earlier today. I don't know what happened, I know it was bad though. I had walked into the studio and found him alone, sitting on the couch crying. I sat down and immediately asked what happened. You looked at me before you hugged me tightly and cried on my shoulder. I was uncomfortable at first, I was scared Aoi might walk in, but I took a deep breath and hugged you. I asked what happened a few more times before you answered.

"_Last night, we got into a really big fight! He said I was flirting with other people and I said he was too. We started yelling and it got worse and he broke up with me!" You cried harder, almost hyperventilating. _

_I petted your head and rubbed your back. "It'll be okay."_

"_But I love him! I love him Reita! I want him back!"_

I sat there rubbing your back and calming you down for about an hour. Kaiand Uruha had walked in, but stayed quiet as they tried to calm you as well. You finally cried yourself to sleep, so I gently laid you down and told them to look after you. I left and headed to the only place I knew Aoi was. I found him outside under a tree smoking. The snow crunched under my feet and flakes started hitting my face. I walked to him and smiled, he only glared at me before looking away. I stood there in front of him and took a deep breath.

"_Go up and talk to him."_

_He glared at me. "Why?"_

"_Because you're both in the wrong. You flirted too."_

_Aoi looked away. "Only because he was. He's been doing it since we started dating. He's the one that started it all."_

"_Ruki flirts and doesn't even realize it. He just has a charm that catches everyone's attention. He can't help it that he's nice and charming. His body and face is one big flirt. You should know that."_

_He glared at his cigarette. "Why do you care? Isn't this what you've been waiting for? For me and him to break up so you can take him! So why don't you just go and be with him!"_

"_Because I can't make him smile!" I felt the tears prickling my eyes. I looked down at the ground. "I can't make him smile. I can't make him happy like you can. I can't make him laugh like you can. He loves you, not me." My legs finally gave out and I fell to my knees as the tears poured over. "I'd rather him be with you where he's happy, than miserable with someone he hates! I could never make him happy, or smile, or laugh, or cry with joy. I could never…"_

_He stood up and walked beside me. "What am I supposed to do?"_

"_Make him smile." I whimpered. "Please just make him happy again."_

_I listened as he walked away and I just cried out like a baby. _

It hurt. Giving up the only chance I had to be with Ruki, but I think it was for the best. I couldn't stick around there though. I don't know why, but I had to get away from there, so I ran. I ran as far as I could until I ended up here. I was so cold, my body had become numb from my actions and from the weather. I walked to a park and found a tree to lean against. I ended up sitting against it when my legs became too weak to hold my body up. It became dark so quickly, but at that point, nothing really mattered. Not anymore. I didn't want to see Ruki cry again, I didn't want to risk seeing him and Aoi fight more. I didn't want to go home either. It was too far of a walk and I was too tired. I just decided to sleep here. It couldn't kill me to spend one night out in the cold, could it? I mean homeless people do it all the time. I just closed my eyes for a bit. Cold. It's nice to feel it, something other than the hurt. Makes me think I can feel love again…someday.

"You'll catch a cold out here."That voice.

I open my eyes and see you standing there with that smile on your face. "Ruki."

One of his gloved hands pulls out of his pocket and reached for me. "We should go."

"I'm ok right here."

"I don't hate you."

"Huh?"

"I don't hate you."You sit on your knees beside me. "You're a good friend, I could never hate you. Thank you, for talking to Aoi. I know it must have killed you, he said you were crying badly. He wanted to give you a hug and bring you inside, but then he said you ran off when he turned around. He came up and we talked. We forgave each other and well…you know."

"You're smiling again. I'm happy." I whispered.

You smiled just a little bigger. "Aoi's waiting in the car. I asked if he could take you home."

"Can't we stay here for just a little longer."

I gasped when your fingers grazed my lips. "Your lips are blue. I don't think you should. Come on, I'll make you some tea or hot chocolate." You stand up and reach your hand out again.

I gripped it and your warmth melted my frozen heart. Your smile gets bigger still and I'm happy. I finally made you smile, at least a little bit. I'm okay with this. As long as your happy, I'll be okay. "Hot chocolate, please."


End file.
